As all good Twihards know, the sun makes vampires sparkle. There’s just one problem.

You ain’t a vamp.

Yes, the sad news is that if you’re reading this, you’re probably a human – and the sun won’t make you sparkle so much as wrinkle and buurrrnnn. So, with Ra’s rays out of the question, what’s a mortal to do to banish that otherworldly pallor?

Fake it, just like the Cullens faked being human (the metaphor begins to fail…here.) Here are our four fave sunless tanners, ready for your fake baking pleasure! And we won’t tell if you wait until after you’ve seen Eclipse. You know, all the better to fit in.

Fake Baker: Neutrogena MicroMist Tanning Sunless Spray
Why We Love It: Never streaks, dries fast, gradual bronze color, very minimal sunless-tan odor.

Fake Baker: Nivea Summer Beauty Smooth Legs
Why We Love It: Great for a light self-tanner without the odor.

Fake Baker: philosophy the big skinny self-tanning firming cream
Why We Love It: The big skinny self-tanning firming cream delivers gradual, natural-looking color…and smoother skin, all in one go.

Fake Baker: Beautisol All Seasons Glow
Why We Love It: Paraben free and packed with antioxidants, this bronzer will make your skin healthier – something the sun will never, ever do!

Welcome to the Zit List, where we tell you exactly what to think about the week that was.

Link: Take Your Kids to Work Day?
Early this week, an air traffic controller at JFK was suspended for allowing his young son to give air traffic control directions to planes. Obviously dumb of the dad, who was laughably quoted as asking what his bosses might have expected when school’s out…but give that kid a medal for grace under pressure. A future Captain Sully, perhaps?
Rating: 3 zits

Link: Oscar Showdown
Entertainment buffs are probably already salivating in anticipation of this Sunday’s Oscars, and specifically the Best Picture showdown between former married people Kathryn Bigelow’s good-but-twenty-minutes-too-long The Hurt Locker and fatuous James Cameron’s thudding live-action-Ferngully Avatar. The plot thickened this week when one of Locker’s producers was banned from the ceremony for sending out emails urging members of the Academy to vote for his movie, in the process disparaging Avatar. 1 grudging zit given here for “unsportsmanlike behavior”, but to be honest the Oscars would be a lot better with less fawning self-congratulation and more squabbling between bitter exes. And, we all know Up is the real Best Picture here, anyway.
Rating: 1 zits

Link: Earthshaking
Last Saturday’s 8.8 earthquake in Chile (which was thankfully less destructive than the one in Haiti, but still no small bones where earthquakes are concerned) was powerful enough that it actually knocked the earth off its axis, shortening the day by a matter of milleseconds. Unfortunately, weekdays and weekends were affected equally.
Rating: 6 zits

For the first time since 1943, the 2010 Academy Awards will feature 10 Best Picture nominees instead of the usual 5. The 2010 nominees are:

• Avatar
• Up
• Up in the Air
• The Blind Side
• District 9
• A Serious Man
• Precious
• An Education
• Inglourious Basterds
• The Hurt Locker

How many have you seen? What do you think should win?

Pandora in Hawaii

After a long weekend in Cancun with her boyfriend, my roommate fluttered in the door last night, head in the clouds, feet in the sand. When picture-showing and storytime ended, I watched her face shift from unstoppable smiles to tangible fear of facing her boss at her miserable job.

This morning I caught up with a good friend who also just last night got back from 11 days in Puerto Rico with her man. “Euphoria” was how she described it, and as she sprinted from the subway to her office, late for a meeting, her voice grew shaky with denial and mild depression.

As of Sunday, Avatar officially became the  highest-grossing box office record of all time — $1.288 billion worldwide, sinking Titanic’s 13-year title. What does this have to do with coming back from vacation? Many fans of the James Cameron-directed fantasy have experienced the same sort of withdrawal, claiming the film has thrown them into depression because they don’t live in utopia, coping with the fact that “the dream of Pandora is intangible”.

Avatar's Pandora

Brilliant fantasy film-making, just like vacation, is meant to transport you to unattainable heights. But when the movie or vacation ends, how long should it take to bounce back? In many cases it takes up to 4 weeks to brush off vacation blues, but with a million and one ways to interact with Avatar and the characters online, will these blues have longer-lasting implications? WebMD has some great tips for bouncing back from vacation here; some of which might be applicable to Avatar’s resonating impact.

Tell us, have you had a recent experience that left you in complete withdrawal, and how did you cope? For me – 12 days in Hawaii a month ago was a tough one to come down from. Solution? I waited until last night to upload my pictures and imagined myself back one day. The good news: Hawaii’s not going anywhere… and Avatar will be on Blu-ray before you know it.

The Maui Coastline... a house riiiight there would be perfect, thanks.

Avatar photo courtesy of wallpaperstock.net.
Hawaii photos taken by me with a Canon PowerShot SD750 (not sponsored – just a great camera so I had to tell you!)

Welcome to the Zit List, where we tell you exactly what to think about events, people, and things that happened this week.

Double Down…and Split
If you’re planning to head to Monte Carlo and win big at the slots this weekend, not only are you probably bad at mathematical odds, but you also might not even be guaranteed any money you win. After a six-month argument on the matter, a French court split slot machine winnings between the woman who put the money in the machine and the man who pulled the lever. As they say: if you want something done right, pull the lever yourself.
Rating: 4 zits

What’s the Dark Matter?
Scientists announced they may very well have found dark matter in a mine in Minnesota. If the presence of dark matter is confirmed, this could be a Nobel-level breakthrough for science. It would also be absolute confirmation that the universe is way cooler than originally thought.
Rating: 1 zits

Monster Dreams
Let no one tell you those YouTube videos you upload of yourself talking about your feelings are a waste of time! A Uraguayan producer who uploaded a short film depicting aliens attacking Montevideo has just gotten a $30million Hollywood contract. Gotta love a Cinderella story; now let’s hope the movie’s good…
Rating: 0 zits

The Looks Have It
A study finds that for urban women, attractiveness plays a significant role in networking, employment, and social connections. This isn’t the surprising part – what’s surprising is that the study found the same didn’t hold true for women in rural areas, who tended to be part of tighter-knit communities. Regardless of where we live, don’t we all want to be treated based on personality rather than face? Boo!
Rating: 5 zits